Read This Story - Then Weep for the Future of Civilization
By Bill Schmalfeldt
Are you optimistic about the future of civilization? Stop it. By the time you're done with this story you will join those of us pessimists who pray that the Mayans were right about their 2012 prediction.
We present...
Another reason to weep for our nation.
Yahoo, the web portal that wishes it were Google, has come up with a web app that lets you know what the most popular headlines of the hour happen to be. By demographic.
The results? Depressing.
Let's start with my group. Males, 55 and older. These are the top headlines of the hour, as determined by Yahoo search algorithms.
Most Expensive Plane: B-2 Bomber costs more than the Space Shuttle
This is followed by:
2. Self guided bullet tested
3. Expensive retirement states
4. Pricey super car keeps stalling.
5. Player's rare scorpion kick.
So, with this to guide us, we know that men aged 55 and older are most interested in expensive airplanes, bullets, retirement, fancy cars and soccer.
How about the 55+ gals?
1. Prince Harry Dishes on the Real Queen, Phillip
2. Social Security Facts, Tricks
3. Expensive retirement states
4. Reese Dress Bucks a Trend
5. 14-Pound Baby Born
So, gals of a certain age get a kick out of royal gossip, social security, retirement, celebrities, and laughing at moms who had to suffer through the birth of a 14-lb. baby.
Take it down a notch? OK.
Men 45-54.
1. The most expensive airplane story.
2. Player's rare scorpion kick
3. Pricey super car keeps stalling
4. The self-guided bullet thing.
5. Pro Bowl QB rips teammates. (Turns out Green Bay's Aaron Rodgers actually wanted to win the game)
Except for the last story, pretty much the same as the older demo. Just in a different order.
The 45-54 ladies?
They loves them stories about 14-lb. babies!
1. Woman delivers nearly 14-lb. baby
2. Star's meltdown over visitor (Kristen Bell (who?) got all weepy when her boyfriend brought a sloth to her party. No. I'm serious.)
3. J. Lo grilled on divorce.
4. The Prince Harry/Queen story
5. Longest-married couple secrets.
OK. The ladies of in the onset of the golden years love stories about fat babies (delivered by younger women), gossip, gossip, gossip, and cute old couples.
Let's move to the next demo.
For men 35-44...
1. The soccer "scorpion kick" story.
2. The most expensive airplane
3. Brady impostor creates a stir (apparently, some idiot impersonated Tom Brady at Super Bowl media day)
4. Best dunk of the NBA season
5. The ever-popular self-guided bullet story.
So, men in their early middle ages like soccer, expensive planes, football weirdness, basketball and bullets.
The ladies?
1. Guess What! The 14-lb. baby wins again!
2. J. Lo grilled on divorce
3. Common myths about head lice (Did you know there were "myths" about head lice? I sure didn't.)
4. The celebrity getting weepy over the sloth
5. Save money on makeup.
So... women in the very late child-bearing years still love that some woman somewhere went through the agony of delivering a 14-lb. baby. They love gossip, stories about head lice (these women may still have kids in school, you know), gossip, and ways to save money while looking fabulous.
We're going for the younger group!
THE MONEY DEMO!
Men 25-34. What do they care about?
1. The stalling super car story.
2. The soccer scorpion kick.
3. Aaron Rodgers griping about the NFC's Pro Bowl effort
4. The Tom Brady Impostor
5. Orlando Magic players have had it up to HERE with the antics of Dwight Howard
(What? Nothing with boobies?) So, the older young guys like fast cars that don't work, soccer, sports gossip, sports gossip and sports gossip.
The women folk?
And the winner is...
1. The 14-lb. baby! (They could still have one themselves, you know.)
2. Saving money on makeup.
3. Whatsername's meltdown over the sloth.
4. Man shocked by his photo in an ad. (This is a good one. A chubby guy got $500 to have his photo taken for an ad about diabetes. They photo-shopped out his lower leg and gave him a pair of crutches. They basically turned him into an amputee. The takeaway from this? Read the fine print.)
5. Cute "Puppy Bowl" players.
So, women in the 25-34 group like the fat baby, saving money to look good, celebrity meltdowns, fat guys humiliated by ad agencies, and puppies.
Now, the youngest demo.
Men 18-24
1. The soccer scorpion kick.
2. The stalling super car
3. The self-guiding bullet.
4. The NBA gossip.
5. A new one. "Amazing Flying Figures". Ads to promote the movie "Chronicle."
You'll never guess what the 18-24 ladies liked best.
That's right!
1. The fat baby!
2. The longest married couple. ("Why can't YOU love me like that?)
3. Awwww. The cute puppies!
4. The story of a cancer survivor teenager suspended by his high school for growing his hair long to sell to a wig maker who provides the wigs to cancer patients.
5. Save money on makeup.
So, finally, we find a bit of interest in social justice, but not until we hit the female 18-24 demo.
Fat babies. Stalling super cars, Expensive planes. Celebrity gossip.
These are the things we are searching for, according to Yahoo.
Go ahead. Weep. Weep for your nation. Weep for your future.
COME ON, ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!
Bill Schmalfeldt invites you to drop by his blog at http://deepbrainmedia.com to keep up with his daily exploits and to help him raise funds to find the cure for Parkinson's disease. 100% of the profits from his PD-related books and merchandise is donated to the National Parkinson Foundation to assist them with patient and caregiver education and resources, as well as to fund research into finding a cure as well as new and better treatments for this crippling neurological disorder.
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